Marshaun Olaniyan|Life & Relationship Strategist
Am I being a bad partner?
Are there times I am really unaware when I am being a bad partner towards my spouse?
If I am being a bad partner, without knowing it, can I stop this?
The answer to each of these questions is, yes! Yes, you could be being a bad partner. Yes, you really could be unaware that you are being a bad partner and yes, you can stop being a bad partner.
Confession! I too can sometimes be a bad partner to my husband and not be aware of it. Being “bad” comes in all forms. After reading this article you will have a better understanding of what you are doing wrong and how to change it. This article will help to raise your awareness level so you can continue to create a stronger relationship.
Generally, we are aware of what it means and how to be a good partner but what if you are being a bad partner and not know it? Here is how you could be unaware you are being a bad partner:
Pointing out all the “wrong” things your partner is saying or doing.
The first thing you could be doing to show that you are a bad partner is you point out every single thing your partner is saying or doing “wrong.” Even if it is true and he is constantly doing things wrong, you do not have to point this out each time. Everything you think does not need to be verbalized. Toddlers and young children do that and you are not a young child. Once you pass a certain stage you have to be able to control the things that come out of your mouth. I am not saying, never tell your spouse what he is doing wrong, but if you find yourself being in the category where you feel you always have to get every instance and every situation out in the open, then you are leaving a bad taste in your partner’s mouth about yourself. You are also distancing yourself from one spouse. You are not bridging the distance gap. You are widening the gap. The distance creeps in like a thief in the night and you will not notice it until months or even years later. So, stop doing this behavior, if this is something you are currently doing. It does not matter if you are right. You do not have to vocalize it every single time.
Also, if I am the person that is on the receiving end and you always have to tell me how I do everything wrong, then I would start to wonder, why am I here? I can never please him. Nobody wants to have every single thing they do “wrong” pointed out to them. I am sure, if you are doing this, it is not in a pleasant manner. You make it known that you are right and your partner is wrong. By doing this you are killing your relationship.
Everytime your partner hurts you, you hold it in.
The second thing I want you to be aware of when it comes to you being a bad partner is, anytime your partner hurts your feelings, you hold that stuff in. You allow things to build up. You allow things to fester. Anytime this happens resentment starts to build up and seep out in different ways. Whether you are being snappy or are making snarky comments or your spouse responds to you like “Woah! What is happening?” This occurs because you are allowing each little thing that is big in your eyes compound. Every time it compounds, you are not resolving the issue. You are continuing to create a wider gap of distance between the two of you. You are not building a closer relationship. Please stop holding things in! This is definitely a huge way of realizing you are being a bad partner, whether you realize this or not.
You have to release your feelings and thoughts. This also strengthens your connection with your spouse. Releasing those bad vibes also helps your spouse correct the area so he does not continue to hurt you in this way. This is a sure fire way to remain happy with your spouse and your relationship, so express yourself.
In some instances, it is not that you cannot express yourself. The question becomes, “Does what I have to say help or hurt our relationship?” You may not be willing to express yourself because you believe you are helping the relationship by holding things in, however, in reality you are not helping the situation. You are destroying your foundation you have in your relationship. This all happens because you are allowing things to fester and build up. Which leads to the distance settling in. Also, the love is slowly fading away. It is flying out the window each time you remain silent.
Instead voice why that hurt your feelings. Say something like, “Hey my love, it makes me feel unloved when you do or say X to me. I want to feel loved while I am in this relationship. Can you please stop doing X and do Y instead?”
You have to vocalize the things you need as well as the things that hurt your feelings. Again this helps you keep resentment out of your relationship. The more you vocalize and get this stuff out, the happier you will feel. The better you will feel about the spouse you chose because you know that he can hear you and is willing to change his behavior for you but mainly for the betterment of the relationship. Stop being a bad partner and speak up!
You always have to have the last word.
The third tip is, you have to have the last word no matter what. Every time you two get into an argument or, you are having a conversation, you often feel you must have the last word. Nobody is always right. It is very unattractive to try this and it shows your emotional immaturity. You do not have to have the last word in order to be right. And the person, who does not have to have the last word is actually the more mature party in the relationship. If you are the person who always has to have the last word, it is not attractive and you are not drawing your partner towards you. You are repelling them. Also this will cause direct harm to your relationship, the intimacy in your relationship and your friendship with your spouse. Your partner suffers from dealing with you having to be right, but you also suffer from always having to have the last word.
You always threaten to break up or divorce.
The fourth thing I want you to pay attention to is you threatening to break up with your spouse. Whether you mean it or not, does not matter. Your first sign of getting out of this tough situation is to run away. In this case you bring up breaking up or a divorce. You say things such as, “You know what, I don’t like this. I’m just going to leave here for good and never come back.” or “We are breaking up.”
When you do this you are destroying your relationship security. You are killing your chances of going the distance because you are acting like a toddler. Stop threatening to break up because two things are going to happen; 1. You are going to break down the security within your relationship. 2. If this is something you say all the time and there are no actions behind your words, your spouse will not believe you after a while. If it is something that you mean, say it then take action behind it. If you are saying it because you are trying to get away from this tough talk or tough situation then you are killing the security in your relationship and you are going to regret it later on. Furthermore, if you continue to go down this path the closeness you crave, goes away. The family you desire to have by your side goes away as well. There will be nothing but distance and crickets in your relationship.
You always have your mobile device when you two are together.
The fifth and the final tip you could be doing to destroy your relationship by being a bad partner is, you are always on your mobile device when you guys are together. You are not being intentional about the time you two are spending together. Now, will you never have any distractions every single waking moment, absolutely not. However, when your spouse comes home, for instance, and you, instead of greeting him, stay locked into whatever you are doing on your phone, at some point your spouse will say, “Okay, if she does not recognize I am in the room, why in the hell am I coming here?” If that thing or virtual person is more important than the real person in front of you than there are bigger issues. If your virtual world is more important than your spouse and you are not willing to take a moment out of your day to greet him in order to have a conversation to deepen your relationship then you guys are in real trouble. Your relationship is in real trouble.
Many of us have an issue with our mobile devices or our computers or even the television. I get it, but at some point, you have to take responsibility and start being intentional about the ways you are showing up in your relationship.
Perfect! I created a FREE Relationship Resource Library for the times you need to just talk to someone and no one answers or you do not know what step to take next to improve your love life. This guide will help you understand your spouse deeper, create better communication skills and help you discover how to be a better partner and person. Your relationship tool box will grow and mature as long as you implement the things you are learning. Don’t just read these tips and say “oh that’s a good list.” Do something with this list. Download your FREE Relationship Resource Library now!
My name is Marshaun Olaniyan, your favorite Life Relationship Strategist and I help Christian women that are married or in long-term relationships stop feeling disconnected and unloved and shift them to feeling heard, understood and appreciated.
If you would like to connect to go deeper into a one-on-one coaching conversation, please schedule your FREE Coaching Conversation today!
All the best!