By Marshaun Olaniyan | Contributing Writer
Hey family! Marshaun Olaniyan here, your favorite Life and Relationship Strategist. I help single women figure out the tools and strategies needed in order to attract and keep the man she wants.
Dating can be tough even for the most seasoned dater. When I was dating, every time I went on a date, I would hope that this guy was my last first date.
Can you relate?
I can remember preparing for these dates as if they were yesterday. The potential suitor and I would chat via an online site for about 2-3 days, then exchange numbers and continue chatting or calling one another for 1-2 weeks all throughout the day. Next, we would set up a date and time to meet one another, and because I am a romantic at heart, I would secretly hope that this was it for me. No more first awkward dates. No more catfishing. No more feeling lonely. This potential suitor would snatch me off the market and I would be claimed as his to the world. He would not only choose me; he would adore me and treat me like a queen.
Most of this was a fantasy because I had no idea what I was doing. I did not know how I should show up. I did not know the rules of dating. I had no idea what questions I should be asking, and I never thought about setting a standard based off of what I wanted and/or needed. I had no clear direction. Sound familiar?
Because of this I feel compelled to give you the secret sauce. What is the secret sauce you ask? Well, this secret sauce is what I wished someone would have told me when I was on the dating scene. This secret sauce could have saved me many nights from tossing and turning in my bed. This secret sauce made all the difference in attracting and keeping my husband.
There are three reasons why you cannot find and keep a man. Keep reading!
The first reason why you cannot find and keep a man is because you have not taken care of your baggage. You have not released the stuff that you have been carrying around with you for years and years as well as from relationship to relationship. You have not taken the time to stop dating, evaluate why you two broke up and figure out what you can improve on to make you a better person and dater. You only have one goal in mind, which is to be swept off your feet and out of the market for good. Just as I did years ago you have continued to hope things would get better the next time around with the next man. You keep dating and not taking care of yourself.
You decide to stay on this hamster wheel of frustration hoping and wishing this next guy will be the perfect one to see your beauty, inside and outside, and show you the world, moon and the stars. You are constantly hoping this time things will be different.
The question is: Are you different?
You are dealing with the effects of all that extra weight on your shoulders, your back, your butt and your arms. You have got baggage everywhere! This baggage will continue to bog you down if you never take the time to care for yourself and, especially, if you never take the time to figure out the why’s.
Why can’t I keep a man?
Why can’t I find a great catch?
Why are the guys I attract all cut from the same cloth?
Why do all men cheat on me?
Why don’t any of these men treat me like the queen I deserve to be treated as?
A lot of that has to do with you, sis!
Yes! I know you think that it is him, but it is actually you. The person, people, and guys you keep attracting are a big reflection on the things you think about, the way that you really view yourself and even what you secretly believe you deserve. Even when you say things out loud, you say things like, ‘I deserve . . .’, ‘I am supposed to get all of this stuff.’ Secretly, deep down inside, you do not believe you are worthy enough to attract and keep the type of guy you verbally express you wished was in your life.
This baggage is holding you back. All those why questions you keep avoiding, is what is holding you back. You not taking the time to evaluate each relationship you have ever been in, is what is holding you back. These relationships include your siblings as well as your parents or guardians. All those previous and current relationships helped shape you into the woman you are today.
If you are reading as a man, it is the exact same thing for you. Every single part of your life comes from the relationships that you have been a part of, whether healthy or toxic. Sibling relationships, parental relationships, friendships, all these relationships combined help shape who you are attracting and have lying next to you in the bed. BOTTOM LINE take care of your baggage.
The second reason why you cannot find and keep a man is due to you constantly blaming and pointing the finger at your partner or your ex. It is always someone else’s fault. It is never your fault. You hardly ever, if ever, take any of the blame. It is always his fault. You often have these thoughts running through your head:
- If he would have done this, I would have done that.
- If he would have said that, I would have done this.
- If he would have treated me like a queen, then I would have treated him like ‘X’.
All of this goes back to the baggage you are carrying around. This is why you keep attracting the same guys. You do not believe that you are worthy enough to be in a committed loving relationship. A relationship where you are honoured like a queen bee.
To be in a loving healthy relationship, even if you did not grow up seeing something healthy, you have the choice to create the relationship that you want, healthy or toxic. You have the choice to stand up and say, you know what? I get it. I am from a broken home. I am from a home that society says I am supposed to behave a certain way. I am supposed to live a certain way. I am supposed to make a certain amount of money.
Guess what? You have the choice and you also have the choice to live a different life. You can decide to create a different legacy. You are making a choice each and every day, whether you realize it or not. Even if you are not making a conscious choice, it is still a choice.
We all create our relationships. We all create the lives around us. All of us do. If you are still making the choice to say, “I would rather have a piece of a man than a full man because I don’t want to be alone,” sis, you are still alone! And you are living out your beliefs that you are not worthy of having one complete man to yourself. By the way you still cannot have him when you want to. You still cannot go out on vacations together. If you are going out on vacations, you are not going on vacations where you can actually share the pictures and tag him in it.
You blame every man that does not claim you for the situations you are consistently putting yourself in. This all goes back to those why questions and your baggage. Ask yourself the following questions:
Why don’t I like being alone?
Why do I constantly feel like I have to be in a relationship?
You will never get to be the beautiful flower that you are and even believe to be until you take care of that baggage.
The third and final reason why you have yet to find and keep a man is because you do not have tough skin. Yes, I said it! You do not have tough skin.
What do I mean by tough skin? Each time something does not go your way you start pouting. Each time he tells you no, you start pouting. Each time he wants to go out and do his own thing meaning his ‘me time’ you pout. Anytime he corrects or points out to you something you are doing wrong, for example, the way you speak to him, you take it personally.
Instead start looking for the gems to help you get better. Start telling yourself ‘I can use this information and help bring myself to a higher level.’ Stop jumping so fast to argue, fuss, and fight about any and everything because your skin is not tough enough for a gut punching truth be told conversation like the one mentioned above. You let everything hurt your feelings. You need to toughen up your skin and actually take the criticism. Focus and hear what he is trying to convey. Yes, his delivery probably does suck, but we are not talking about him right now. We are talking about the things that you can control. You cannot control what is coming out of his mouth, but you can control the way that you are receiving the things that he is saying to you. No matter how he says it to you. I want you to focus on the things that you can actually control. You can control this situation, how you take the information in and how you use the information later on.
Are you really hearing and listening to what he is saying versus how he says it?
Sis, if you tighten up on these three areas, you will absolutely attract and keep the man you want in your life. You will become his girlfriend. You will become his wife. All of this comes from you knowing who you are.
Apply these tips to find and keep your man, the relationship and the marriage. You have to do the work on you and you alone. Getting the help from someone like me, who can help you see what you are doing wrong can help you self-correct your path and do something different, to attract someone different.
It all starts with you!
Need additional help? Visit my website at www.marshauno.com. Schedule a call with me because I can help you get from where you are to where you want to be, which is in a healthy relationship.
All the best!