Marshaun Olaniyan | Life & Relationship Strategist | Author of “Reignite Your Relationship by 7X”
Love can be such a tricky thing to indulge in. One minute everything is going great but then the next minute, life serves a problem on a silver platter. Sometimes it can seem like the issues keep coming back to back to back. So how do you get over these humps and back on track in your love life? By being intentional.
Being intentional will start you on the path of rekindling your flame with your partner or jump-starting it all together. Being intentional means having the tough conversations without sweeping things under the rug or acting as if the issue has been resolved and you two can move right along as if the problem has disappeared. When this occurs the only thing it does is create a mountain in your living room for you to trip over one day. Here’s how to be intentional even when having tough conversations scares you for fear of the outcome.
- Think before You speak
You slow things down by thinking. You may be asking yourself ‘why do I need to think?’ I’m glad you asked this. You want to slow things down and find a quiet place and time to think about all the major issues. The problems that you and your partner keep arguing about. Ask yourself why these same issues keep surfacing. Maybe they keep popping up because you and your partner never solved them. Instead of staring them in the face, having the difficult conversation and finding a resolution, you two stop being mad at one another for the moment only for this same problem to rear its ugly head in another week or two.
- Make a list
After thinking, put those items on a sheet of paper making a list of all the issues you can think of that keep coming up. Then, number them by order of importance where number one is the main issue that you feel the two of you need to address. Tackling this issue will give you the most peace of mind and you can see this one giving you both some reprieve. Continue to number the items on your list with the next most important one being numbered two and so on until each item has a number next to it.
- Sit down with your partner
The next step is to sit down with your partner so he or she can be a part of this process. The purpose of this sit down together is only for you two to look over the list together. You tell him or her why you created the list and present him or her with the problems you see that need to be addressed as soon as possible so you both can feel heard, understood and most of all put that issue to rest. Before ending this brief talk. Ask him or her if they have anything to add to the list and if he or she thinks the order of the list needs to be adjusted. Finally set a date and time to discuss the first issue you both agreed was number one.
- Before meeting again
Before you two meet again, each of you create a separate list of all the reasons why you think the way you do regarding this issue. Be as specific as possible without pointing the finger at one another or blaming one another. This list will help you express yourself in a way that you were not able to previously. Sometimes when you are arguing you lose what you wanted to say based off of what the other person is blaming you for. This list of reasons will keep you from feeling as though you were not heard or you missed an opportunity to express your thoughts.
- Stick to your meeting
After the two of you have set a date and time to discuss the first repetitive problem then hold each other accountable in making sure this meeting happens. Do not let any excuses stop you two from having this difficult conversation. Each time you both are not on the same page of how important this is to discuss and rectify, the least likely you two will have a successful relationship. You cannot expect to have a loving relationship without being able to effectively communicate with one another. Making these tough conversations a nonnegotiable and sitting down to talk them out increases your chances of lasting love, being fulfilled and happy that you choose your partner and that you were chosen as well.
- Only one person talks at a time
Now that you two are sitting face to face get down to the real issue. Remember to discuss this issue only. While one of you is speaking the other person should listen quietly even if what your partner is saying does not seem correct. You will have your chance to respond soon enough. One of the reasons why you two are here is because neither of you have been able to hear the out completely. Now is the chance to give him or her the space to fully express themselves. If there is a question you want to address while your partner is speaking then write it down so you two can discuss that further without you interrupting him or her at that moment.
- Come to a resolution
After you both have heard each other’s argument of why you both think this way about the problem, next, is to come to a resolution about the issue. What needs to happen to make sure this issue never comes back up again? Depending on the issue do you need to ask your partner before making a final decision about the thing? Can you make sure it’s not brought up during a time where the other person is preoccupied? Does a time need to be designated to discuss issues like this one? Create a go-to so when problems like this occur you two will know what to do next and how to handle them.
- Finish your original list
Now that you two have completed the first issue off your list, it is time to repeat steps 2-8 for the next problem. Keep going through this process until all items are completed on your list.
The more you both are intentional with turning your relationship around the happier you both will feel with one another. The more connected you two will feel and the more understood you both will be. Being intentional does take time to do but it is well worth it and you’ll notice that the more you two communicate, talk and listen the more grace and mercy you will have for each other. You will be able to discern that your partner is having a bad day or he or she is not being disrespectful on purpose or even when he or she is more irritated than usual. Being intentional helps you know why your partner shows up the way he or she does, why he or she reacts the way they do and creates space for understanding.
Need help being intentional in your relationship? Sick and tired of relationship after relationship not having any depth, not working out or moving forward? Let’s talk! Send me a message at